Lost and Found

Found my blog again... Interesting to read and see where I was seven years ago. Unfortunately, not so different from now. Older, wiser, and still struggling with depression.

Themes I'm working with now:

• Saying no. When is it my ego, and when is it standing up for myself? The key is in the body - arms crossed, saying no is the immature "I don't wanna." Arms held out to the front, in the stop pose, is saying "enough" in a grounded way. When I do this, I can feel the energy in the palms of my hands and the soles of my feet. 
• Listening and really being present. Saying to myself, "With great respect and love, I welcome you all with all my heart." When I do that, I can feel the energy in my heart and in my hands (by my sides). It lets me feel the connection with the other person, instead of my usual way of trying to connect - injecting myself into the conversation. 

Progress, not perfection

I'm starting to notice little things, subtle changes and improvements. I'm getting better, both physically and mentally. I think they help reinforce each other.

Physically, I'm noticing that my back doesn't hurt as much. I can stand for longer periods of time. When we went hiking on Saturday, I didn't have to stop and rest as often, and my leg only started to get that numbness - it went away when I sat down, instead of staying with me through the hike. I may be finally turning the corner. I went back to the chiropractor for the first time in a year, and this time, I think it's helping.

Feeling better physically seems to help me emotionally as well. I'm not as depressed, probably because now there's hope. I can heal my back. And that means I can increase my activity. I can walk again, hike again! I love being able to exercise again.

I saw the results of my 360 assessment last week. I had taken one at the start of my leadership program last year - these were the results from the end (finally!). What a different attitude I had! This time, I jumped to the comments section. Last time, I avoided it for a week. This time, I laughed when I saw these comments "She's a good listener" from one reviewer and "She needs to listen better" from another. Tells me that I can pretty much ignore specific results and focus on the trends. Ha! Last year I would have had a very hard time reading anything critical; now, I know it's just an opinion (and mine is the one that counts!).

I still go up and down. The reorganization at work is still dragging on. Looks like I didn't get the branch head position I applied for. And, I'm ok with it. The way the reorg is going, I'm not sure I want it!

Another gateway

Every time I think I'm finished, or I've accomplished something, another gateway appears. I want to learn how to declare victory and move on, to give myself credit for what I've done.

One reason I write these notes is to witness the issues I'm working through. If I can witness them, accept them, I can heal and move on.

Have compassion for that little girl

Have compassion for the girl I was, for not wanting to grow up. For wishing things could have been different. Have compassion for her, hold her, and tell her that it's going to be ok, she's not alone anymore. Being grown up is not so bad. It can be wonderful, and we're going to do it together. Hold her hand, and be with her.

Emerging from Sadness

I feel like I'm swimming up towards the surface. I'm not out of the sadness, out of the shadows, but I'm getting closer.

I always had to be the one who was fine. Don't worry about me. I'm OK. It's like I was afraid the other would leave if I wasn't strong, if I wasn't perfect. I couldn't disappoint my mother -- it would hurt her to think that something she did made it hard on me. So I just kept my chin up, pushed the feelings down, and soldiered on. In a sense, I became the mother, the grown-up in the relationship.

And now, it's time to learn what it means to have feelings, not to push them down. To learn what its like to let go. To flow with it, instead of being tightly controlled. To be a whole person.

Ever good enough?

There's a major reorganization going on in our IT area at work. Lots of management positions will be opening up. A friend of mine keeps coming by my office. He says, "You gotta apply! You'd be great" And I laugh. "Why do you laugh?" he says. "I'm serious! You be the branch head, and I'll work for you."

Why do I laugh? Because I'm uncomfortable. I say I'm not ready yet. I say I still have to learn how to budget, how to schedule. I say I don't know if I'm ready to be a supervisor. But when it comes down to it, what I'm saying is that I don't think I'm good enough. Is this true? Probably not. I read a great article that said a perfectionist defines good enough as "(What I did) + 1 ." Would I ever feel I'm ready? Would there always be something else to improve?

I was in a great leadership program last year. Scott Coady, one of the facilitators and a fabulous coach, asked me, "Where did you get the idea you had to be perfect?" I don't? You mean I can forgive myself for not being perfect? Whoah.

Striving for perfection means you're never satisfied, never happy. Something's always lacking. A search for perfectionism is a search for fault. Sounds like just the person you'd want at a party! Who wants to be around that?

The alternative is appreciation. The hard part: how do you recognize the areas for improvement, while focusing on your strengths, and those of others? How do you appreciate what you have, and see opportunity instead of flaws?

Snowy Weather

It's snowing outside, and I'm sitting here at my desk only semi-listening to my telecon... I drove to the Chinese buffet to meet friends for lunch, and kept thinking "What am I, nuts?" given the fact that the roads hadn't been cleared yet. It was kind of fun, and I was glad I wasn't stuck in the traffic driving out of DC to get out of town for the inauguration.