Emerging from Sadness

I feel like I'm swimming up towards the surface. I'm not out of the sadness, out of the shadows, but I'm getting closer.

I always had to be the one who was fine. Don't worry about me. I'm OK. It's like I was afraid the other would leave if I wasn't strong, if I wasn't perfect. I couldn't disappoint my mother -- it would hurt her to think that something she did made it hard on me. So I just kept my chin up, pushed the feelings down, and soldiered on. In a sense, I became the mother, the grown-up in the relationship.

And now, it's time to learn what it means to have feelings, not to push them down. To learn what its like to let go. To flow with it, instead of being tightly controlled. To be a whole person.