Emerging from Sadness

I feel like I'm swimming up towards the surface. I'm not out of the sadness, out of the shadows, but I'm getting closer.

I always had to be the one who was fine. Don't worry about me. I'm OK. It's like I was afraid the other would leave if I wasn't strong, if I wasn't perfect. I couldn't disappoint my mother -- it would hurt her to think that something she did made it hard on me. So I just kept my chin up, pushed the feelings down, and soldiered on. In a sense, I became the mother, the grown-up in the relationship.

And now, it's time to learn what it means to have feelings, not to push them down. To learn what its like to let go. To flow with it, instead of being tightly controlled. To be a whole person.

Ever good enough?

There's a major reorganization going on in our IT area at work. Lots of management positions will be opening up. A friend of mine keeps coming by my office. He says, "You gotta apply! You'd be great" And I laugh. "Why do you laugh?" he says. "I'm serious! You be the branch head, and I'll work for you."

Why do I laugh? Because I'm uncomfortable. I say I'm not ready yet. I say I still have to learn how to budget, how to schedule. I say I don't know if I'm ready to be a supervisor. But when it comes down to it, what I'm saying is that I don't think I'm good enough. Is this true? Probably not. I read a great article that said a perfectionist defines good enough as "(What I did) + 1 ." Would I ever feel I'm ready? Would there always be something else to improve?

I was in a great leadership program last year. Scott Coady, one of the facilitators and a fabulous coach, asked me, "Where did you get the idea you had to be perfect?" I don't? You mean I can forgive myself for not being perfect? Whoah.

Striving for perfection means you're never satisfied, never happy. Something's always lacking. A search for perfectionism is a search for fault. Sounds like just the person you'd want at a party! Who wants to be around that?

The alternative is appreciation. The hard part: how do you recognize the areas for improvement, while focusing on your strengths, and those of others? How do you appreciate what you have, and see opportunity instead of flaws?